Tramp

letter to harlot
I think I have a little problem. I found this note in my knitting basket.
Dear Tramping, Harlotting Trollop,
I’ve been there for you for almost four years, ever since the spring of 2000. I remember how it was in the beginning. You were charmed by me, you cast me on the moment we saw each other. We spent many evenings together you running my soft fibres through your hands, caressing my defined stitches…I thought we would be together forever.
Then it started, at first it was just the small things, a sock, a pair of mittens. It was easy to overlook your duplicity, the way you were knitting other things. I pretended not to notice that your mother had a new hat. Then it started to be embarrassing. Whole sweaters, several of them. A shawl – for crying out loud Steph, you didn’t think I would notice a whole shawl? What did you think the other wool would say? I’m just supposed to let that 50% alpaca talk to me like that? I’m about 10 seconds away from tangling his skein.
How long has it been since you said my name? You just laugh, sitting there with your self-patterning sock yarn, calling me The Sweater That Will Not Be Named. Don’t you think that hurts me? How do you think I feel when you put me in the basket and take out some cheap novelty yarn. “Allison needs a scarf” my arse. Can’t you see what you are doing? You will never find another yarn like me, I’m a discontinued line, and you just turn your back on me?
Why don’t you just pull the needles right out of me!
This doesn’t make any sense, you keep talking about how cold you are… look at yourself, sitting there in a Wal-mart cardigan with holes in it. Can’t you see how you are hurting both of us? Do you think that I didn’t see you with that laceweight last night? The swatch is right on the table. You don’t even try to hide your wicked ways any longer. This has got to stop. Just finish my collar and do the making up, we can be together baby, I can keep you warm. I love you despite it all.
Your Cardigan
(PS. Touch the laceweight again and the alpaca gets it)
This might not be the time to show you the laceweight that I scored eh? Don’t worry about this sweater thing…I’ll buy it some buttons or something.

17 thoughts on “Tramp

  1. funny, i got that note from my husband…..regarding my carrying on with my favorite yarn shop. I got busted one evening, thinking he was near the house when i called on the cell phone about how i was almost home (but really was shopping instead) when don’t ya know he walked in?! “I was driving by when you called, i saw your car….” (it’s a yellow mazda thingy – hard to miss…note to self, park farther away…) therefore i’ve been forbidden to return to the yarn shop until i’ve got the back of his sweater completed….(but i can’t resist, i’ve been back since i’ve been busted…oh well…)

  2. *still laughing*
    I think your “sweater that shall not be named” is going to end up in a Neglected Knits support group with my “Mom’s NeverEnding Berroco Sweater” (it’s in my WIPs).
    I’ve been working on it for like 2 years, but I hate one of the yarns (Optik), so I stop everytime I finish the rows using it out of disgust & annoyance.

  3. You are wicked funny. After a long strugle with my PIGs (project in garbage sacks) stashed in my closets, the projects do begin to take on personalities- and crabby ones at that.

  4. You want to be careful, Stephanie. Sounds like you’ve got a stalker in the making there. You ever try reaching for a project when you’re actually wearing the thing and it’s going to strangle you :)

  5. It’s the name that did it. A name like that would twist anyone’s personality. Maybe it’s time to have an exorism…or a name change ceremony.
    I’m glad to see I am not the only with WIP’s that have become twisted and deranged.
    Barb

  6. I don’t think I have enough WIPs to qualify as a harlot… no wait, I just considered what my lifetime WIP to FO ratio is, and it ain’t pretty. What’s the male equivalent of a harlot? A strumpet? I hope so; I do so love that word.

  7. Reading your post – that whining, angry, hostile sweater note – I immediately added your blog to my must-read favorite list. I see from later posts that all is forgiven. May your needles (and keyboard) click on.
    –kk

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